Whining and Complaining
Description and Age
The pre-verbal infant complains or lets you know that not all is right with his world by crying or “fussing.” The toddler usually complains more directly with angry outbursts of words, crying or naughty deeds. It is not until the child matures, developing more speech and control over out-ward shows of his anger, that he whines to show discontent or frustration. Many times, whining can be a response to unresolved feelings that can fuel annoying behaviors which can become manipulative or a way of life.
Cause
Becoming tired and staying up past his normal bedtime can make a child cranky and whiny. Usually a quiet story or song, his own bed and a good sleep can re-store the child’s good hu-mor. However, chronic whining and complaining is usually an accumulated feeling of discontent and frustration. There is not usually one distinct cause, but an accumulation of circumstances that leave him feeling dissatisfied and unable to comfort himself. Often a child can be physically close to a parent or caregiver with physical needs being met, yet not feel the adult’s involvement. Whining is the negative response of a child trying to reclaim the adult’s focus and support. It can also be that the child does not feel adequate or good enough about himself. He never seems satisfied, wanting things he doesn’t have—the shiny truck in the store, the sugary cereal in the grocery, the bobble-head doll at the check-out stand.
Where the Child Is Headed
Because whining is a reaction to the helpless “little” feeling that overcomes the child when he feels left out, there is not usually any one issue the adult can address to help his understanding of his behavior. The child longs to be a lovable, worthwhile child. As he lets you know of his misery by whining and complaining, however, he only becomes more miserable. The “vicious circle” begins again, even when parents give in to his momentary desires.
How You Feel
Being the recipient of a child’s persistent whining can turn the most patient, calm adults into frenzied, helpless ones. We be-come irritated, angry and want to get away from this nagging source of irritation. We want it to stop—NOW! We want to exert our authority, make the child change and feel our power and control. After all, we are the adults! If we are in public, we feel embar-rassed, inadequate and speak robot-like through clenched teeth. Threats don’t seem to help and are usually hard to carry out; time-outs, in this case only increase the child’s feeling of isolation and not belonging.
What To Understand
Wallowing in his inability to “get out of” his misery, the child feels alone with his feelings and overwhelmed. His whining is an attempt to articulate what is bothering him and he feels that no one understands how miserable he is. If the adult is made miserable by the child’s behavior, we can be sure that the child’s frustration with himself is many times greater. He likes himself even less than you do and he is at a complete loss as to how to make things better. In this helpless state, he accumulates more frustration and discontent resulting in this intolerable behavior. Ironically, just when you least feel it, he needs your love and support now more than ever.
What To Do and Say
Helping a child overcome this miserable debilitating state will not be accomplished easily or quickly. No matter what the present setting of the struggle, the first step is to re-establish connection with the child. The most immediate and effective step would be a physical one—a hug or a protective arm around him. Tell him you don’t like to be angry with him and you love him. At the same time, tell your child that you know he is unhappy and that you will help him figure out how both of you can feel better in a loving happy way—that you, too, become angry and irritated when he is whining and you don’t like that feeling either. You can point out that talking in a whiny voice will not get him what he thinks he wants, but that you will listen when he can use his “bigger boy” voice.
Later, if you can pinpoint some of the circumstances that arise that seem to precipitate whininess and/or complaining, try to offset this reac-tion by pointing this out to the child—“It seems you get whiney and cranky whenever I’m on the phone—when it’s time to stop what you’re doing and get ready for school—when something you’re doing becomes too hard—when I’m with your little brother—when Daddy and I are reading—when you want something that we say you cannot have, etc.” Make a simple plan of what the child can do for himself when one of these times occurs—something that would help him to feel close to you without interrupting or interfering, or that he could do until he can have your full attention. When the child balks at having to do something necessary or falls apart when he wants something he cannot have at the time, appealing to his “bigger boy” side will help. Explain to him how much better and prouder he’ll feel if he can be a part of doing for himself instead of feeling even littler. When he uses that part of himself, he will like himself and you can have loving feelings instead of angry ones.
Next Time
Try to be very observant when the child can wait to do or have something he wants or overcomes frustration by not complaining and perseveres instead of whining. Comment on these times with sincere appreciation of his good work and of the way he’s figured out things for himself. Let him know how good that makes both of you feel and how nice it is to be able to have fun together instead of fights. Become aware of the times when your respon-sibilities and needs may make your child feel left out or disconnected from you. Show him that even though you have to be in other places and doing other things, you can know what he is doing and can always keep him in mind.