HELPING EARLY CHILDHOOD CONSULTANTS GROW

 Maria Kaiser and Gann Roberts

When we were first asked to offer a tribute to Mrs. Furman on behalf of the teachers who have learned so much from her courses through Hanna Perkins Center, we were intimidated by the task of consolidating 25 years of course work into five minutes.  How would we ever convey the impact she has had on our thinking through her workshops and seminars and courses such as: “Normality and Pathology in Early Childhood” and “Nursery School Children with Difficulties and Consulting in Preschools?”

How possibly to describe her influence on our work with children, families and other teachers?  How to summarize the hundreds of case studies of children or consulting situations that we have ruminated over together, sipping coffee during our Thursday afternoon meetings in her living room?  And finally, how to sum up those gem-like principles gleaned from these sessions with Mrs. Furman?  These principles form the bedrock of our practices, guide the consulting and committee work that we do and decisions we make when developing new programs.

Just the other day I presented an entire case, confident that the problem was with the teachers, an inappropriate setting, and the child’s difficulty with expressive language.  Do you know what I overlooked?  Only the essence of the problem: Separation!  How could that have happened after all these years?  It just goes to show that, when in doubt -- and even when not in doubt -- we have only to go back to the obvious principles we have learned from Mrs. Furman.  And while we’re at it, let’s also recall some of the pithy quotations we find so often circled in our notes, which we call “Furmanisms.”  Any of you will recognize these verbatim quotes which we have integrated into our thinking and speaking.

The first obvious principle, of course, is ALWAYS LOOK FOR PROBLEMS WITH SEPARATION.  We can easily recognize the problem in a crying child -- and lucky is the child who can tell us she is missing her mother in such a forthright way.  But Mrs. Furman urges us to look beyond the obvious.  Be alert to the child who, walking into a new situation, never looks back at his mother, flits like a butterfly from activity to activity, teases his mother unmercifully at the end of the day, or claims he would rather stay with the teacher when it’s time to go home.  There are many other clues , but suffice it to say “always look for separation problems” and help the mother recognize the signs that her child is missing her and needs her help with this big developmental milestone.  Think of that heart rending reminder: “Mothers need to be there to be left.”

Principle number two is about RELATIONSHIPS.  Nothing can happen except in the context of a relationship.  Children simply cannot and do not learn when there is no relationship.  A consultant can knock herself out with hours of solving problems and giving advice and be totally ineffective if she has not established a relationship with the teacher, the parents and all others involved.  And sometime try all your favorite discipline techniques on a group of children who have never seen you before.  You can forget discipline if there is no relationship.

Which brings up another thought: EVERYBODY NEEDS A MOMMY, which we all know applies to everyone from the toddlers in the Rainbow Room, the teachers on the front line, the custodians, bus drivers, secretaries, even to the chairman of the board.  We don’t advise using these exact words with your adult friends and board chairmen but we know that “everybody needs a mommy” applies in every organization, large or small.

The third principle is: WHATEVER YOU DO, MAKE SURE YOU OBSERVE AND UNDERSTAND THE CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL LEVEL.  Often, behaviors we see at one age belong to another.  How many teasing four-year-olds have you dealt with?  And how often have you seen a five-year-old refuse to do anything the group is doing, only participating if its done her way and her way only?  And how about the preschooler who messes with paints, spills his juice at snack time, and teases the teacher to try to get her to chase him?  We’ve certainly learned to recognize the toddler in the preschool setting.

Principle number four: OUTWARDLY CRITICAL, INWARDLY GUILTY.  When parents are critical of teachers and teachers become defensive, we must step back and understand that parents may be afraid that they will be found lacking.  The opposite applies, too.  To work on behalf of the child, we must reaffirm the positive in people -- it makes it easier to admit the weaknesses.  How often has Mrs. Furman helped us to have compassion for our critics, be they teachers or parents.  Guilt acknowledged opens the door to doing better, or in her words, “So, one makes mistakes; they are to be acknowledged and then one tries to do better.”

Here’s another principle: EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MUST BE SAFE.  As teachers and parents, we must create an environment that is both physically and emotionally safe so that children and parents can ask questions and not hold back for fear that they will not be heard.  We are reminded that often a child’s fear comes out as aggression or, even worse, as a concealment of their most important feelings.  Learning requires energy and concentration.  A teacher’s task is to create an environment where children, confident they are safe and heard, can bring all of their energy to learning.

Let’s review all we have discussed about teachers and mothers in considering the next principle: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ROLES OF THE PARENTS AND TEACHERS.  We have observed and listened to many teachers who are sure they could do a better job of bringing up children if only given the chance.  How counterproductive this is.  The teacher’s job is to strengthen the bond between parent and child and to avoid putting the child in conflict.  How well we have come to know that dangerously insidious teacher who “just loves the children” and is kidnapping them with grand presents and by being a “better mommy” than mommy.

Which gives us a nice segue into the next principle: TEACHERS SHALL GET THEIR GRATIFICATION FROM BEING SECOND BEST.  What this suggests is that they must accept being left every year and be content in knowing that their investment in the children in their classes will bear fruit when they won’t necessarily be there to see it.  “Teachers, therefore, continually need someone to put them back together in an adult setting.”  Consultation groups with colleagues such as those led by Erna Furman can fulfill this need.

Principles eight and nine are obvious to all, although, paradoxically, the simpler they seem the more complicated the discussions about them become: HELP THE CHILD GROW and TREAT THE CHILD WITH RESPECT.  The wise consultant’s attitude toward children is best summed up with this declaration: “I didn’t come to see the trouble, I came to see the child.”  A child needs to participate in his own improvement and struggle with his own growing up.  No one can do it for him.  We, as adults, should reach for that part in the child that wants to be good and wants to grow.  When the child is facing new situations, we can help him feel the sadness and anger about leaving something behind as well as the wish to go on to something new.  Let’s not forget that useful notion of always giving children a chance to make amends when they have hurt someone.  (This applies to adults, too) And while we’re on the topic of respect, how about the times we think children don’t really notice or understand what adults are up to?  They may be taken for testing but told they’re just going to spend an afternoon “playing games,” or during what’s obviously an observation, they are told that this nice lady is just visiting their classroom.  Obscuring the truth is decidedly not respectful; it only confuses the child and keeps him from participating in his own growth.

Our own growth continues as we all learn together in Erna Furman’s latest course, “Consulting in Nursery Schools.”  Here are a few points we are finding valuable, collected from our many discussions.

• Ask all your questions before you accept the responsibilities of consulting.
• Don’t let yourself be used as a judge, called in at the last minute to confirm a decision made by those unwilling to bite the bullet and do it themselves.
• There are no open and shut cases: Time is essential.  The goal is to achieve a cooperative, helpful atmosphere in which mutual sharing, learning, and understanding can go on.
• Help clients recognize that consultations need not be crisis-driven but should be conducted regularly so that fruitful relationships can be established.
• A teacher’s unrealistic expectations of the consultant mirror her unrealistic expectations of herself and reflect a disrespect for the child’s complex personality.  All the consultant can really offer is the chance for all parties to work and learn together.
• Staffs need to have their fears and concerns listened to first; then they may be ready to discuss the fears and concerns of the children.

And when consulting for an organizational problem, keep these additional points in mind:

• Avoid recipes.
• Be sure you understand all the parties involved.  It often happens that someone important is ignored.  “The authority you will have can only come through respectful relationships with all parties concerned."
• The Brady Bunch[1] is a fantasy.  No two families join together easily; the same is true of two businesses or organizations, because they, too, are families.